“Come to Me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you REST.”
(Matthew 11:28)
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As I began to further openly explore my spirituality, developing new ways of thinking and living my life, I began to experience an inexplicable stirring deep inside and innately realized that God was calling me. Somehow I knew even as a child that I would devote my life to Him, it’s that just over time I became confused as to exactly what that was supposed to look like. Nevertheless, somehow I knew I needed to be ready, even though I didn’t know what for. While I waited, I wondered what God was going to reveal to me—would I receive a call to be a New Age Priestess, like Iyanla Vanzant, who I had begun connecting with through her profound writings; would I go back to my origins of Witnessing, or third, and a very distant third, would I find the answer in Christianity? In all my travels those had been the three religions I had most been exposed to, but in reality I had never been part of a Christian church aside from the brief time I attended Sunday school. My other peripheral experience was through my two childhood best friends. Further, I had begun to label Christianity as a “weak” religion where there was none of the self-empowerment I felt was in New Age. During my exploration, I had revisited The Witness faith several times and no longer felt the same anymore, as my world had opened up immensely since a teen. Personally, I felt more of a leaning toward New Age, but nevertheless still stayed open to receive the answer I sensed was coming. After futilely waiting a few months for “something” to happen, I began to think that my “mountaintop epiphany” had merely been a figment of my imagination, and my hope and anticipation began to deflate. So, feeling down, I decided to go for a walk to lift my spirits.
On my way back home, I was surprised to run into an old colleague who I hadn’t seen in years, but was even more shocked when I discovered she had converted to Christianity. The reason why I was so stunned was that in all my experience of knowing her, I believe I could best describe her as a “Conspiracy Theory Ninja”. To her, everything was rigged—nothing was real; she would love to spend her time educating me on how no one was to be trusted, and the only thing we could rely on was that ‘someone’ was always scheming to keep us under their control. Therefore, I was more than a little intrigued to discover what it was that caused her to make such a drastic change to what I then considered such a subservient course. Frankly, I would’ve been less surprised to come upon her digging an underground tunnel, wearing camouflage paint–so out of sheer curiosity I agreed when she invited me to a Bible study. However, to my dismay, the topic was on ‘The Cross’. As a Witness, we did not believe in The Cross. We were taught that Jesus was nailed to a stake and the symbol of The Cross had paganistic origins that were later adapted to Christianity. As a matter of fact, we were kind of ambivalent about Jesus himself, too. Although we believed in His existence and sacrifice, He didn’t hold the same focus (or Divinity) as he did for Christians, so though the topic instinctively made me bristle, I tried to remain open to at least listen to what they had to say.
As they went through their well prepared discourse on the suffering and pain of Jesus, suddenly I had a vision of Him lifted upon The Cross, beaten and bloodied, and below him was playing every shameful and irreverent moment of my life. I couldn’t believe it—I was mortified–but when I looked up, He was gazing right at me with such love in His eyes that in that moment I realized He had done all this for me even knowing all the things I would say and do against Him. I had never before experienced anything like that and broke down crying right the middle of the poor woman’s speech. Not knowing what had happened, everyone tried to find out what was wrong with me, but I was so filled with emotion that I couldn’t even speak. So when they offered to reschedule the study, I rushed home, fell to my knees and tearfully told Christ that I would never leave Him. Since then, I have never been the same, as I have experienced so much love, peace and power in His Presence. Sure there have also been some downright hellish moments of pain and loss, but He always comes and holds me, allowing me to rest in His strength. With all the pain, rejection and loss that I’ve experienced in this life, I know for a fact that I would not be alive today if it weren’t for Him continually picking me up when I couldn’t or didn’t want to do it for myself. He never makes me feel bad about myself, but also calls me to task when He knows I’m not living up to who He has called me to be. Jesus Christ was the first to show me what true love really is, and this I’ve found is the difference between religion and relationship.
Still I must acknowledge that through all the religions I have come across, I have gained some wonderful relationships, insights, values, resources that have been valuable in managing my life. However, I have also learned that simply following rules and principles apart from relationship is not the answer either, for when we are connected by love, it is more than the fear of breaking the law or the promise of prosperity that motivates us; desiring to please God becomes the natural expression of our life. Even Christianity as a religion by itself is empty at best and destructive at worst, and unfortunately many mistake this as what Christ is offering the world. However, when we truly see and receive Him, it is becomes more than just a matter of being ‘right’. This is why I do not desire to ‘convert’ anyone, because conversion is for religion. Transformation is what happens when God reveals the truth of who He is to those who are truly seeking Him, and this is what I live, desire and pray for. Be Blessed!
